The way I see it, there are only two possible explanations to the ‘What-In-The-World-Is-Up-With-Charlie-Sheen’ mystery: either Xenu, the intergalactic Scientologist warrior, is testing out a new mind-control program or Charlie’s alcoholism and drug addiction have fried his brain to the point of no return. Personally, I’m hoping it’s all Xenu’s doing but until the mystery is solved, CBS and Warner Bros. productions will have to figure out a solution to their very, very costly problem (an approximately 200 million dollar/episode lost costly problem). In the state that he is in now, and with the verbal attacks aimed at Two and A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre (you know, his boss) not easing up, there is just no way that the show can go on this season with him on board. CBS and WB’s solution is to completely halt production for the season but seeing that that means over 200 other cast and crew members are now out of work, I think that’s a pretty lame and selfish solution to the situation.
So CBS, here are some of my ideas for solving your problem: (listen up, WB!)
• Uncle Charlie drives his Mercedes off a cliff after a disastrous date and now requires extensive facial reconstruction surgery. RE-CAST the role.
• Charlie gets a hold of a few Four Lokos, the original recipe, drinks them all and then starts hallucinating. He encounters a giant bear in the woods, thinks it’s a giant earthworm/maggot and tries to defeat it with his words and fire-breathing fists. Fade to black. RIP Uncle Charlie.
• Charlie meets Mel Gibson. They become BFFs but Gibson’s bad influence quickly becomes evident. After a few anti-Semitic remarks, a member of a cult called ‘Ay-Ay’ (read it out loud) gets angry and, well… goodbye Charlie.
• A slightly less creative, but still very effective, idea: Uncle Charlie heads to the Bahamas and simply never returns. Cast a more responsible SANE actor to play a similar misogynistic douche and BOOM. Problem solved.
What do you guys think? Feel free to share your ideas in the comments below.